Dealing With Specific Sexual Problems

There is a tendency to think “I’m the only one who has this sexual problem or thought.” In a society were youth and beauty are worshiped, one may also think “young people are great in bed; old people have sexual problems (or no sex at all).” In reality, about 30% of all males and 40% of all females sometimes lack sexual desire, 37% of college students have trouble occasionally getting an erection or getting lubricated, 30% or more of sexually active college women don’t orgasm regularly, 23% of college men ejaculate too soon, and 20% or more of both sexes have doubts about their sexual adequacy (Koch, 1982; Rubenstein, 1983). So our sexually liberated society hasn’t freed us from sexual worries, it may multiply them. But, there’s hope, 75% of the elderly, who are still sexually active, say lovemaking gets better with the years (Starr & Weiner, 1982).

It is no wonder we have sexual problems. Sexual activities by children and young people, even private masturbation, is described negatively and forbidden–even considered a serious sin. It is estimated that 11% of men and 23% of women are sexually molested as children. 22% of women have been forced by a lover to do some sexual act they didn’t want to do. Sexual experimentation may give little pleasure and lots of distress, including rejection, guilt, and unwanted pregnancy. In short, our sex drives are a testimony to our physiology and raging hormones (and to the emphasis on sexual seduction in our entertainment), not to our wholesome child rearing, our enlightened sex education, or to our psychosexual history.

Of course, everyone has heard of the “mid-life crisis.” Sometimes, about age 40, “sexual burnout” occurs. This is when sex with a long-term partner becomes boring, the relationship seems emotionally empty, and both may feel tired and sexually hopeless or inadequate. Barry McCarthy (1982), a psychotherapist, reports that many couples seeking counseling have devoted very little time to improving their sex life or their relationship. Yet, many seeking therapy (80%) have found the time to have affairs, hoping to spice up their sagging sex lives or to stimulate their flagging sexual energy. Also, keep in mind that when a sexually burned out couple gets a divorce, both will frequently go through a torrid love affair with a new lover (so it’s psychological, not physical) and then find that the same sexual problems are gradually reappearing with the second partner (Kolodny, 1983). So, we aren’t just animals operating on instincts either; “our mind is our biggest sex organ.”

There are some excellent comprehensive self-help books which address a variety of sexual problems (Masters, Johnson & Kolodny, 1994; Kaplan, 1987; Yaffe & Fenwick, 1988). Margolies (1994) has written for the wives of men with sexual problems. Reinisch (1990), from the Kinsey Institute, tells us a variety of facts we need to know to be sexually informed. Weinrich (1987) sheds research light on several sexual puzzles, including homosexuality. We will briefly survey only the more common sexual problems and how to treat them.